Baby Bean

Two weeks ago today I felt like I was punched in the gut and I am not quite sure I have been able to breathe easily since.
Let me elaborate.
It was a Wednesday evening about 5pm. My OB called me on his way home from the office.....totally weird. We have a good relationship, but not a call you as I am leaving my office relationship. He tells me that he found some spots called echogenic focuses on baby beans liver and bowel on the sonogram we had that Monday. He said he wanted me to go to a high risk OB and have some more test done and determine if we needed to do an amniocentisis. WTH? Back up two years ago, with Logans 20 week sonogram they found some spots in his heart. With this my Dr casually mentioned it to me at my next appointment 4 weeks later and no further testing or specialists were required. So I think it is more of the way he is handling this finding on baby beans sonogram that sent me into freak out mode. Surely if he thought there was nothing wrong then he would just casually mention it to me at my next appointment and we would go from there. (Follow up on Logans situation, it was completely fine, gone at birth and hes a healthy crazy little man)
So Dr tells me the specialists office will call me in the next few days and get me scheduled to go in. Seriously. I have to wait DAYS to know anything else......? 
They ended up calling me the very next day and scheduling my appointment for the next wednesday. I kept myself busy working the rest of the week and weekend and tried not to think about this much. Didnt happen. I was consumed with thoughts that there may be something wrong with my sweet baby. Then I did what no pregnant women with possible complications should do. Get on the internet. I was bombarded with stories of babies dying in utero, babies born with severe abnormalities and dying shortly after birth. Absolutely gut wrenching. 
One week ago today we had our appointment with the high risk OB. First thing they did was a 45 minute high tech sono of baby and then an echo of babys heart. The sono tech was so sweet and asked again if we still didnt want to find out gender. We turned our heads as she looked at the goods. We got to see sweet baby beans plump lips and cute little nose. I swear it looked just like Kins and Logan:) She showed us the spots they were concerned about in the bowel and liver. They looked like little bright lights and completely normal to me. Who knew something so tiny and normal looking could be such a bad thing! We then went back to the waiting room and waited to be called back to see the Dr. Once it was our turn the nurse asked us what seemed like a million questions about our family histories. On both sides. Good lord I barely know my medical history let alone my grandma and great grandma. We answered the best we could with no significant findings and then waited what seemed like forever. The Dr came in and was very nice. She made it no question that she thought something was wrong with our baby. The tears flowed. I have never felt such an ache in my stomach, that deep deep part of your stomach, where I felt as if at any minute I would be sick. She said to be honest that she has no clue what it is that is causing the spots to show up in the liver and bowel. She said possibly an infection like cytomegalovirus or toxoplasmosis. I know........first off I cant even pronounce those words. She gave us no indication of what we could be looking at as far as if our baby could possibly die soon or what they may be like if they were born. She also mentioned possibly a genetic abnormality like downs syndrome. She gave us the option of an amniocentisis (a needle is stuck into your belly and amniotic fluid from around the baby is drawn out and tested) or a new procedure that can take my blood and test it for certain infections or genetic abnormalities. Because the amniocentisis has a low risk for miscarriage we chose the blood test. I remember this very vividly. Josh asked the dr. So is there a chance that nothing could be wrong with our baby? The dr replies by saying.....after a very long pause. Yeah I guess.....do I want it to be nothing? Yes. Do I  think that nothing is wrong with your baby? No.
Talk about the lowest point in my life. Pretty much no hope that our baby would be healthy. I cannot even begin to describe the pain that I felt leaving her office.
We went and had bloodwork done that day. It would test to see my blood levels for the virus cytomegalovirus and toxoplasmosis and it would test for 3 genetic disorders. Downs syndrome, trisomy 13 and 18.
That night I did not sleep at all. My mind was so exhausted after crying all day but yet unable to sleep.
The next day the drs office called back and said they had good news!
My bloodwork was negative for a primary infection of cytomegalovirus. Which means I have been exposed to the virus (but 70% of people are) but it was not during my pregnancy which is when it is very dangerous to baby and I was negative for toxoplasmosis. Yay! I felt on top of the world. For about an hour. Then my mind went back to the other possibilities. Downs syndrome. How would I care for that baby? I am not the mom that can do that. Surely there are other much more patient capable women that can handle a special needs baby. In reality.....if thats the plan God has for our little baby bean then I must have faith in that plan and that he will give me the strength to handle it.
We went through the weekend and then the Drs office called on monday. Que my heart dropping. They had no results for me but thought they may send me in to be tested for parvo virus! WTH?! I thought that was for dogs. Well she said it would be reasonable to test for that and they should have probably done that last week as well. Great one more thing to worry about that could be wrong with our little baby. So I went back to the lab once again. My poor arms look like I have been experimenting with IV drugs. Bad news. 
Fast forward to today. Still waiting on the genetic results and now the parvo virus results. Still feel like I am holding my breath and still unable to really relax and have peace. The pain of not knowing is horrible. I do know a few things. 1. This sweet baby is very active and moves a ton. Small moments of peace come from feeling this little baby kick and it is so much more precious those feelings. I will hold on to them forever. 2. I serve a just God. He does not promise that I will go through this life without heartache or struggle. But he does promise to be there and provide what I need to get through each moment. There have been a couple of days over the past two weeks where I pray "God just help me make it to the next hour." He is good and He has a plan for our little family.
So prayers would be appreciated. This little baby is already so loved.
Telling this story has been therapeutic for me. I am thankful for our two healthy sweet kiddies and I pray that I am able be in peace and just love on them for the rest of the day.